Lonelily

What a clever word, Mr. Damien Rice...

Adulthood is overrated.  I would go back to the springtime of life in a heartbeat.  But in my youth, I surely thought that better days were ahead.  So my conclusion is that I cannot be content.

The Square Root of Three by David Feinberg

I’m sure that I will always be
A lonely number like root three

The three is all that’s good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic

I know I’ll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality

When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three

As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands

Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed

Zephaniah 3:17

"The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing."

God sings about you and me!

Morality and Mortality

As the patient eyes were lifted to his face, he saw a sudden doubt in them, and then astonishment. He pressed the work-worn, hunger-worn young fingers, and touched his lips.
"Are you dying for him?" she whispered.
"And his wife and child. Hush! Yes."
"Oh, you will let me hold your brave hand, stranger?"
"Hush! Yes, my poor sister; to the last."

A healthy dose of inspiration here and there...

The saddening reality of life outside my "reality"...

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

Novelty.

Jesus, Lord of Heaven
I did not deserve
The grace that You have given
And the promise of Your word

Lord, I stand in wonder
Of the sacrifice You made
With mercy beyond measure
My debt You freely paid

Your love is deeper than the oceans
Higher than the heavens
Reaches beyond the stars in the sky

Jesus, Your love has no bound

An august August.

This past weekend, I headed out to Napa Valley to visit Steve J. Steve's working at a fancy schmancy restaurant out there, and luckily I got to eat at this place.

Se llama Terra, y la comida fue riquisima.

Here's what I ate:

Appetizers:
Panko Crusted Miyagi Oysters on Pork Belly "Kakuni" in Black Vinegar Sauce

Foie Gras Tortelloni in Game Sauce with English Peas and Chanterelle Mushrooms

Main Course:
Braised Veal Cheeks and Sweetbreads on Potato Cheese Fondue with Asparagus

Dessert:
Rhubarb Crostata with Rhubarb Soup and Rose Panna Cotta

Chocolate Bread Pudding with Sundried Sour Cherries and Creme Fraiche

Tiramisu

Peach and Strawberry Sorbet with Coconut Tuile

I wish I had taken pictures...

Anyway, this was by far the fanciest dining experience I've ever had the pleasure of enjoying. Foie Gras? Unbelievable...

After Steve finishes culinary school, wins Top Chef, and becomes a world-renowned chef, he has promised to let me eat at his restaurant whenever I want... I'm excited. Hahaha...

I've never thought about this too much until I read one of Piper's sermons... But, the fact of the matter is that in today's world, there is a premium on fun.

I agree with what Piper has to say. Here is an excerpt:

I feel such a burden for us as a church to swim against the tide of almost every current in our culture. More and more and more, America is a nation given over to play. The industries of play are huge! Houses are built today with entertainment centers. Computers and videos and television and stereo all coordinate to give us ever more stimulating and captivating distractions from the realities of the world. When we need to be dreaming, for the glory of Christ, about how to spend our lives alleviating ignorance and sickness and misery and lostness, we are becoming more and more addicted to amusement.

Make a little test of evangelical vocabulary, and calculate, for example, the increasing frequency with which we use the world "fun" to describe almost everything we like. But when do we describe our good experiences as "meaningful" or "significant" or "enriching" or "ennobling" or "worthwhile" or "edifying" or "helpful" or "strengthening" or "encouraging" or "deepening" or "transforming" or "valuable" or "eye-opening" or "God-exalting"?

Oh, I don't want to be a party-pooper. Fun, entertainment, relaxation, etc. are important for the healthy mind, body, and soul. But I've been thinking that more and more, I'm only looking forward to the next weekend, the next leisure activity, the next chance to be entertained... And really, there are far more important things to think about and do...

So sayeth the unemployed bum...

I have an aversion to honey mustard pretzel crumbs after I associated the once-delightfully-delicious-to-me snacks with the worst and only bout of food poisoning in my life. To this day, I can't touch the stuff, and the thought of honey mustard pretzels is enough to make me squeamish. (I have a few comments about what makes me squeamish which I'll address some other day... Think about paper cuts between your fingers and your toes... Yeah... Makes me cringe...) What's impressive is that this aversion has somehow been imprinted in my mind. What's more, the intensity of my dislike for the pretzels hasn't decreased all that much. I know what I'm talking about because I was a psychology major... Hahaha...

When I think about those times when I feel like life has socked me in the stomach, I realize that I'm quick to forget how I felt at that particular moment. When I face the consequences of my retarded actions, there's regret and motivation to turn a new leaf...but, in a matter of a day (or a few days in some occasions), it's hard to remember any of the feelings from before. Basically, it's hard to sustain those emotions and desires of yesterday. And, this is unbelievably frustrating... I almost wish I could get a severe case of food poisoning each time I did something stupid and was supposed to learn my lesson. I think I would remember better then... I'm such an irrational creature, it drives me insane.

I've joked in the past that I've got OCD. But, I bet you I really have it... I'm far too impulsive and obsessive about certain things... That's why I should never go to any casino... Do you hear me, friends? Keep me away from casinos... Too bad Vegas is right around the corner...

No more online gambling... I promise!

No, I will not let you bring me down.

Another trip to Berkeley... Nostalgia hit hard this time... So many memories from that stinkin' place...

I probably witnessed my last batch of Berkeley graduations... Young'uns all grown up and more ridiculous than ever...

I biked across the Golden Gate...finally... Hate to be a hater, but the experience is OVERRATED... Hahaha... Sausalito was a nice little quaint place, though.

I'm wondering what excuse I have to go back to the Bay Area now...

Mysterious illnesses have struck my impregnable body. ("Impregnable" looks like it means "not able to be made pregnant," which I am.) I think it's an allergic reaction and/or a fungal infection. I haven't had weird crap like this happen to me since I was in Central America. I imagine that back in the tropics, the hot and humid conditions and the stress of living on the move were the main culprits. I'm not so sure what's going on right now... It's a mystery!

Kelly Who?

Yesterday, as I was leaving the library, I saw a big ruckus outside Royce Hall... What was the commotion? The Asian Excellence Awards! Celebrities! Asians! Hahaha... So with my inner teenage girl awakened, I positioned myself near the red carpet... My original intentions were to see three individuals: Yun Jin Kim from Lost, Kelly Who? Kelly Hu!, and Hiro from Heroes. (I have just recently gone on a Heroes marathon, so my interest was piqued to see the man who could bend both time and space.) So I waited and waited, and yeah, I saw a bunch of celebrities, but the Big Three were not there... Sadness.

Anyway, who did I see? In no particular order, here they are: Harold (girls love this John Cho fellow for some reason), Kumar, the Korean from Survivor, the Korean from The Apprentice,
Kenny G, Quentin Tarantino, Margaret Cho, Daniel Dae Kim from Lost (his crappy Korean makes me cringe when compared to the beautiful Korean Ms. Yun Jin Kim speaks), the black chick who's apparently Asian from Dreamgirls, Russell Peters, Sanjaya (he has a mesmerizing smile...I'm serious), and a bunch of other people I had no idea were famous. Hahaha...

So, in defeat, I watched as the final celebrities walked into the auditorium... The crowds (if you can call them that) died, and I decided to get going...when this guy comes out and asks if the students would like to get in for free. Hahaha... I thought, "Why not?" and there I was, on the balcony about to watch an awards show for the first time in my life.

Apparently, the show hadn't generated enough buzz, and there were LOTS of empty seats. Because they were televising the awards show, they needed to fill the auditorium. The easy solution was to fill the seats with students. Hahaha... In my usual attire (shorts and flip-flops), I stood out like no other. Good thing I was wearing a collared shirt... Hahaha...

Anyway, I saw some more celebrities: Chow Yun-Fat, Tia Carrere (how old is she now?), Maggie Q (the chick from Mission Impossible 3), Rob Schneider, some sushi chef, some Chinese designer, etc. Hahaha...

My overall impression? The awards show looked unprofessional. Everyone presenting awards didn't know what they were doing. They relied way too much on the teleprompters; the dialogue sounded really contrived and awkward. My biggest thing was that all the losers for each respective award didn't show up! Hence, no Yun Jin Kim and Kelly Hu! (Hiro won his award for best actor in a television series, but he unfortunately could not make it... Freakin' Hiro! You expect more from a man who can bend time and space... His TV father accepted on his behalf.)

After the show, I went to the after-party and I hooked up with Tia Carrere. Hahahaha... Joke!

Job 38 rocks my world.

'This far you may come, but no farther, and here your proud waves must stop!'

Hummingbirds.

The breeze.

Almond M&M's.

Singleness.

I remember the good ol' days when I used to write so much more... I used to have ridiculous anecdotes, stupidly amusing observations (at least to me), and all those cryptic entries that made me sound like a psycho. Oh wait, I still have those... Hahaha...

Why did I stop writing?

Maybe my life became so dull that nothing inspired me to write anymore... Or maybe I was being a diligent graduate student. Hahaha... Yeah right...

For whatever reason, today...I feel like writing.

My random observation of the day is that I like zombie movies. I'm not a big fan of the horror flick. I generally don't like clowns (It scarred me), dolls that come to life, monsters that haunt people's dreams, demon-possessed children/people who may or may not be the anti-Christ, leprechauns, vampires, werewolves, etc. But zombies? For some reason, I dig 'em. Hahaha... I have issues, remember?

For the most part, I don't like horror movies that deal with the supernatural. I am, however, fascinated by movies like The Silence of the Lambs. Hannibal Lecter is such an intriguing character. He's so eloquent, so thought-provoking...

In any case, the reason that I wrote all this is to make my recommendation of the day. Everyone needs to go rent Hannibal (the sequel to the aforementioned The Silence of the Lambs) for the sole purpose of watching the ending. I'm not saying that the movie is very good, but the ending is really something. It is probably one of the sickest things I've ever seen.

I won't divulge the details of the scene. Go watch!

Anyways, I remember I wanted to throw up (in fact, I gagged), but I also couldn't help laughing because it was somewhat comical in a disturbing way. It was a weird feeling...

OK, I'm not psycho so leave me alone...

Cellar door.

I don't know what to write, but I just wanted to write something.

Hahaha...

Good night, world!

It's been an interesting two weeks, to say the least. Here are some random notes:

-The lottery is at a projected $340 million this Tuesday. I thought I was gonna win last Friday after I bought 30 tickets, but somehow I didn't. Hahaha... I've decided I will only buy ONE ticket tonight.

Here's my logic for buying one ticket as opposed to zero tickets: If you buy zero tickets, your chances at winning the lottery is just that...zero. If you buy one ticket, however, your chances increase by infinity (if my math is correct). Of course, your chances of winning the lottery after purchasing one ticket are so slim that you probably will never win in a thousand lifetimes, but man, doesn't increasing your chances by infinity sound awesome?

-All this talk about money has made me conscious of my not having any. It's not just stupid dreams of winning the lottery either. Practically speaking, I'm a poor student who is studying to become a poor public servant; how am I going to provide for myself, my family? Naturally, I'm not one to think about the financial side of anything, but planning for the future seems like the wise thing to do. I have one idea in mind, but whether or not plans come to fruition is still up in the air.

At the same time, I don't want to get caught up in money. I could see myself consumed by greed (if I'm not already), and I don't want to go (or continue) down that path...

-Finally...girls... It seems to me that everyone I meet has this misconception that I've hit the jackpot at UCLA. I'm sorry, but I really don't think that's the case.

Everyone's also telling me to be more proactive... Fine. As soon as I find a nice, attractive, and available yujah, I'll pursue like a lion hunts down its prey. Hahaha... OK, maybe not to that extent...

By the way, some girls are STRANGE...

Wow, I don't like this post...

Let's win the lottery!

One of my greatest struggles right now is my tremendous dissatisfaction with school. Every Sunday as I'm driving back to Westwood, my heart sinks and flounders dreading what the week holds for me. While there are a number of things that bother me (e.g., my austere yet ridiculously expensive living accommodations, my lack of a social life, the humdrum routine of school, etc.), what's been especially getting to me is my public health program. Had I known that there was so much researching and planning and writing and evaluating, I don't know whether I would have chosen this path in life. I had envisioned me out there "doing," and doing something that works...and works for the good of humanity. Right now, I'm beginning to wonder if public health, for all that it's worth, is really all that effective.

Sigh... Maybe I'm just out of it...

On Facebook, I am in the group "Hyun." My sisters and all the other Hyuns (and Hyons) in the Facebook network are members of this "hyuntastic" group. (Sadly, I discovered that there is another Alex Hyun in this world. I was a little disappointed to know that my name has been duplicated...)

Anyways, as I was scrolling through the list of these strangers who shared my name, I naturally wanted to see if there were any cuties. Hahaha... But then I realized that these people are related to me somehow, and I instantly became hesitant... Yeah, checkin' out my cousins...a little gross... Hahaha...

So, I posed this question to Mr. James Kang: "Would you hook up with another Kang if she was fine?" He responded, "Yeah sure, why not?" His response prompted me to ask him whether he would go for his third cousin. "Yes." His second cousin? "Yes." First? "Yes."

My response: SICK!

Hahaha... I love you, James.

Apathy has overtaken me these past few weeks. I just don't give a care... From my relationships (very few to say the least) to my pastimes and responsibilities (have I been shirking those)... EH... What do I do for unusually long spells? Sleep... On top of that, I'm a graduate student who doesn't study... What is that?! Some psychiatrist might diagnose me with mild depression, and he might be right. But there's something else going on... I know what it is, don't you worry...

What I don't know is why the heck my foot hurts... It's potentially one of the most rousing mysteries of the new year... That and the identity of the little jerk that keeps crank calling me... I swear, if I find out... Other mysteries that are always on my mind: human frailty and how a graduate student doesn't study... Once again, WTF???

Man. A whole month has already passed (a twelfth of the year!), and I'm in the middle of one of my troughs... A rather deep one, this time... About time to pick things up, wouldn't you say?

Wow... Ten days into the new year (and three days into the new quarter), and I'm already complaining about how I dislike school. Last quarter at UCLA, I saw more exams and papers than I would have liked to see. (The quarter system is too quick.) Whatever... Exams and papers (to a lesser extent), I can do. This quarter, however, will be the quarter of group projects. Ugh... Alex doesn't play well with the other children. Not that the people with which I'm working are horrible; in fact they seem like very nice people and all... I don't know what it is, but I like to do things solo.

I think I have issues.

The year 2006 has finally passed. New resolutions are in order.

My first resolution is to be less selfish. These past few weeks, I've come to the realization that I am far too absorbed with myself. I'm aware how difficult it is to reverse that natural tendency to be selfish, but I'm going to strive to do it.

So what that means is that I'm going to try to give more of myself to my youth group kids, regardless of their ill-mannered and/or apathetic attitudes and actions.

The second application of my resolution is to let things be. This will probably be really hard for me. My reasoning is that I shouldn't interfere with someone else's happiness just so I can gain that happiness.

Finally, I've been terrible with appreciating family and friends, so expect a more considerate and generous Alex in the new year.

More resolutions to come...

Thank you.

I really haven't had the chance to update much about school or life in general. One reason is because I'm caught up with fantasy basketball and it dominates my time online. Fantasy basketball is an utter waste of time, and frankly, it makes me do pathetic things. For example, I'll spend hours at the library waiting for pop-up notifications telling me that Player X has grabbed a rebound or scored a point. Sometimes, I'll go to bed thinking about how I can improve my team. It's really sad. I should have never agreed to this...

Thanksgiving Day has come to become one of my favorite holidays. (It's up there with Christmas and the Fourth of July.) Aside from the two days off from school (thank God), it means good food! Hahaha... Yeah, spending time with the family is nice... In today's society of whiners and complainers (I'm one of them), giving thanks is particularly refreshing... BUT, after some deliberation, I have come to the conclusion that stuffing tops them all... Hahaha...

I love stuffing. You can say what you want about turkey, but HONESTLY, chicken tastes better. In the spirit of complaining and whining, I hate eating left-over turkey the whole month of December. It just doesn't go away... I think cranberry sauce is highly overrated, and pumpkin pie is just strange... I can't really diss the mashed potatoes because potatoes are my favorite vegetable (heh heh); in pureed, buttery, fluffy form, how can you go wrong? But then again, you can have mashed potatoes any day of the year.

I really have no reason why I like stuffing so much. I thought about it, and all I did was salivate at the idea of eating it. It's that dang GOOD. I think my favorite episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air was the one where all the relatives get together for a Thanksgiving reunion and all the women-folk have a stuffing competition. That's like my dream: seven women cooking seven different types of stuffing for ME. Hahaha...

Living without God is too hard. I can't. Even my imagining that I'm living apart from Him is is too much for me to bear.

I'm at a point in my life where I don't have too many things that keep me afloat. Only God keeps me going some days. When I pretend that I'm living life for my own purposes, I become so miserable that I can't stand it. It's a feeling of emptiness that weighs down on my soul.

And yet, knowing just how utterly unsatisfying it is to live without Him, I keep running away...

It really is hard to live a life pleasing to God. But in all honesty, the alternative is far worse.

I don't think I've ever been so busy in my life... A full load at school, part-time jobs, church commitments... How do people do this?

I recently decided that I would try to live a more stress-free life, but man...it's gonna be tough.

Think happy thoughts, Alex... Think happy thoughts...

"Do you know what my happy thought was? It was you!"

Man, I love that movie...

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."

I start school on Thursday, and all I know is that I better shape up...FAST. Ever since I came back from my travels, I've reverted back into a stupid bum. I've no job and somehow I'm playing blackjack effin' ONLINE, losing the little money that I had... I don't seem to have learned my lesson at all. Am I so dense? Man...I'd slap myself if I could do it without me knowing it... (I mean, a slap to the face just isn't the same if you were expecting it, right?)

Today, I went to the graduate student orientation at UCLA. As I wandered through campus, I wondered how different my life would have been had I chosen to go to Los Angeles instead of Berkeley for my undergraduate studies. I could have easily been a Bruin... (Funny story how I chose to go to Berkeley... Ask me about it, if you wanna know...) In any case, all I could think about was the fact that my experiences at Berkeley had been instrumental in my learning how to do laundry.

Good to be back home...

I will take the time to write about my trip in the weeks to come, or I might not even bother...

Currently, I'm getting ready to go back to school.

I got myself a little studio in Westwood for a ridiculous $820. The studio has no kitchen... I don't know why, but I think that's gonna be an issue.

I'm a little uneasy about starting my "graduate" studies. It sounds intimidating... Of course, I'm already trying to over-achieve by taking more classes than the norm... I do this to myself all the time, and I always get burned...

I'm also anxious to find a job... $820 es mucho dinero, y yo no tengo plata... Que malo!

Finally, I'm concerned about my sanity. Perhaps, it's too late to even bother about that...

Feliz cumpleanos, mi hermanita.

Adventures await...

Onward ho!

Awesome August.

UGA-UAG-U-A-A!

Stop codons.

Sigh...

The more I live this life, I can't help but think that I am wasting it. I'm wondering how God meant life to be, and I'm well aware that this is not it. I'm reminded that life is short and unpredictable. We are, as the Bible puts it so well, a "mist," a "breath," and nothing more. Death brings perspective to the fool who believes that he is invincible, that his life on this earth will continue without bounds. That fool is me...

Help me remember.

Rest in peace...

I think that under completely different circumstances, I might have ended up a drug addict. In fact, it's still a possibility in my future. Why? Because I have something of an addictive personality. I get hooked on stuff.

Take poker, my nemesis, for example. I can't get myself to stop playing this silly game. Well, the game isn't so ridiculous as I am. I freakin' play for hours... And what do I have to show for it? Twenty bucks... Hahaha. It's pretty irrational...

Wait until I get hooked on a girl.

I wish I were hooked on Jesus.

I don't know what to do with myself. It makes me sad.

I cleaned my room today. Roommates of the past can vouch for me that when I say "I clean," I clean. In fact, it is when I go on these cleaning sprees that I begin to think that I truly must have some minor form of OCD. I obsess about eliminating every particle of dust, organizing everything with some illogical scheme, and quarantining my room from any threat of filth. Yes, I have issues... (And yes, I was bored today...)

Not only do I have OCD, I also have the tendencies of a person suffering from bipolar disorder. Not in the sense of depression versus elation, but rather, cleanliness soon begets messiness and vice versa. For someone claiming to be obsessive and compulsive about keeping things neat, I can spontaneously become a total slob. And when I transform into this monster, I will let my room deteriorate to the point where it is uninhabitable. Once again, I have issues... (And yes, I was bored enough to write about cleaning...)

I miss mis hermanas. Verona's left for a week, and I feel like she's been gone for ages already. I won't have the chance to see Mayra until freakin' September. When I was in school up north, I didn't even think about the fact that I might not see them for months. I guess that in my old age, I've become more appreciative of my sisters.

And for sure, they are too good for any guy... Guys are dogs...

Bear with my ambiguity once again. Yes, I am psycho, and I rarely reveal exactly what I'm trying to say. This web log serves the primary purpose of venting emotions that I want to share but fail to do so because of my own insecurities. Are my entries cryptic? Well, yeah, but I can't help it...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm frustrated. I hate it when your hopes and aspirations come crashing down right in front of your face. It's funny... I always laugh when I find myself in these situations. They're so ridiculous I don't know what to do with myself. I just have to laugh, because that's my way of dealing with everything.

Forget the period of time from July to September. My foolish pursuits are ended indefinitely. I'm not complaining, but why do these things happen to me? I'm so curious. Have I not learned my lesson yet? Is there some other reason? No complaints, just curiosity...

Man...these cycles of highs and lows kill me.

My resolution: In all things, I just have to stand firm on that solid foundation. Otherwise, I might despair and fall to even lower depths. "All other ground is sinking sand."

I also agree that I need to think about why I get happy, sad, angry, etc. Why am I happy? Probably because I got my way. Why am I sad or angry? I must not have gotten my way. It's so simple... But why should I be happy? And why should I be sad or angry? The answers are obvious... My emotions need to be in line with something that is far greater than "my way." I should be happy because He is glorified and He knows what is best for me. I should be sad or angry when anything, including myself, fails to give Him glory.

The period of time from July 4th til September 15th shall be a trying time in my life. The fanciful and almost illogical pursuits of the heart are to be put on hold. Perhaps what I shall learn in these uncertain days will help me re-evaluate what I desire and more importantly what I should desire.

I complain too much.

I try to stop.

Much to my surprise, I've found myself reading Pride and Prejudice. When I read it back in high school, I didn't care much for the book. (In fact, I probably only read the Cliffs notes.) I think the portrait of the Victorian lady (presumably Elizabeth Bennet) on the cover gave me the impression that this book would suck. I also found that the book was too wordy for my liking.

Well, today, I started to read this novel with the expectation that I'd put it down after a minute. Lo and behold, I discovered that this was delightful reading. Not only is Jane Austen witty...she's hilarious. I haven't cracked up while reading a book in some time.

So here's what I'm wondering:

Dude, am I a girl?

So far, this week has been an unproductive piece of crap.

In an effort to counteract the stupidity, I have decided to forego the television, instant messenger, and online gambling in favor of more productive activities like reading and exercising.

Well...I don't want to absolutely deprive myself of these things (well, maybe online gambling). After all, World Cup soccer is on the television and it is phenomenal. In fact, I consider it as the world's most important sporting event. It stops wars, you know... Just think about how crazy that is... The Olympics, you say? Yeah, it's up there too... But people are psycho about their football... As for AIM, I'll pop in once in a while. Not like I really talk to anyone anymore... No more AIM game...

Yeah. These are positive changes, I think. We shall see how this goes.

I've been debating back and forth whether or not I want to continue serving in the youth group. If I decide to stay, I'll have the most fortunate opportunity to suffer through another year with my current students.

I know... If I can't stand teaching these kids, then why do it? Here are my reasons:

1) I don't want to be a quitter.
2) In some sick and twisted way, my kids are attached to me as I am to them. The weeks that I'm not able to attend, these guys suddenly decide that they don't have to go to small group (even when a substitute teacher is available). Clearly, I have some peculiar power of coercion over these jjashiks.
3) I should be doing something that's not about me.
4) I should be doing something for myself.

In any case, if I commit to this, then I want to do a good job. And yet, I feel like I can't do a good job. I've lost one kid completely (he ditches every small group), and I can't really blame him. As for the other eleven or twelve, I have no idea what's going on in their little punk minds.

The final verdict?

Manos a la obra.

Unselfishness is beautiful.

I think I've become less of a cynic after witnessing a few Korean (yes, Korean) kids making the decision to sponsor children in need.

"When the going gets tough, the tough get going."

Me? I get going out of there. I quit. Whether it's my Sunday school class of delinquents, my thick-headed tutor kid, etc. I hit the road when I don't want to deal.

Why? Because quitting's so convenient, so easy... You can just forget the mess you left behind. After all, you didn't make the mess. If anything, you tried to help, but to no avail...

I've already said "good-bye" to the thick-headed tutor kid, and I'm pretty certain I'm going to stop teaching in the youth group at Sarang.

Here's what I wonder: Did I make the slightest difference???

All this goes to prove that I am a shekki.

I love warm summer nights.

Post this picture if you love Roy.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

I'm crazy.

"Even the sun shines on dog sh-t."

-Rasheed Wallace after the Cleveland Cavaliers won Game 4 despite his guarantee that the Detroit Pistons would win the game

Better luck next time.

I don't think I've felt such emotions in a really long time... Just to be back in Berkeley, to relive the good ol' college days... What a feeling! Without a doubt, I miss college immensely... To return now to the humdrum existence that is my life seems almost like I'm being punished. Oh, when will I learn to be content with what I have?

As much as I hate finding the ugliness of my character, I appreciate it when people point out my faults. It's one thing to identify what you think are your faults; it's quite another to get feedback from friends and family. What was pointed out about myself? I LIKE ATTENTION. If this is true (and it is), then my actions are probably dictated by the desire to get people to notice me... And that makes me sad...

Yeah, I think I'm pretty discontent right now...

Roy's right... My blog is way too emo... (7")

To be honest, I half-jokingly prayed that the Lakers would lose this series... Yeah, even I'm shaking my head at myself... Tisk tisk...

I went to the gas station because the "low fuel" light came on... I put in $5 worth of gasoline (that's all I had), and the "low fuel" light was still on afterwards. Freakin' gas prices!

"It's hard to face your problems when your problem is your face."

Hahaha... So brilliant...

I don't know why I let little, stupid things bother me...

Am I so petty?

Today's Sunday school lesson was about observing and loving others. "Love, love, love. As Christians, we should do our best to love. We should not hate our brothers; we should not hate our enemies." Say one thing, turn around and do the opposite. Good job, you hypocrite.

How I am a youth group teacher is beyond me. Some guy kept badgering me to volunteer my services in the high school ministry, and I eventually caved in after he asked me for the tenth time. Overall, I'd give myself a letter grade of D as a teacher. I hardly prepare lessons, I don't really know all my kids too well, and I can't communicate with them. I'd give myself a failing grade, except people commend me on my "attendance." They keep telling me that "being there" is so important, praising me that I'm "there." Delusional fools... In my defense, my kids are pretty messed up. Basically, I inherited the kids that the other teachers didn't want. It's so funny because the former teacher these kids had actually used to bribe them to read the Bible...bribe them with money to read the Bible... The one thing that gives me any semblance of hope is that these kids already know they're screwed up. It saves them some time, if you ask me... So there you have it--an effed up teacher with his effed up kids. I think I'm gonna quit after this year is done...

How I was a small group leader with KCPC is even more amazing. I think I had pretty good attendance back then too.

So bizarre...

While playing basketball, I fell kinda weird on my elbow/"funny bone" area... This would be nothing special, but this time the strange sensation was freakin' funky. I landed on my elbow/"funny bone" area, and then my forearm and my hand started feeling really hot. It wasn't like my hand was on fire; it was more like my blood's temperature had drastically increased. It was so weird...

Well, I looked up what the "funny bone" actually was, and in reality, it's a nerve located at the elbow. The tingling sensation is actually caused when this ulnar nerve is compressed in a bump. Supposedly, you can also feel a deep, slow burning pain as well...

Mystery solved...

Here are my favorite players in the NBA right now:

3. Ron Artest

2. Manu Ginobili

1. Dwyane Wade

I want to be a geisha.

Hahaha...

Lapses... Can't seem to get it right... Suppose I never will...

Ennui... How do you say that word? So incredibly bored...

Where are the adventures? Where is my destiny?

What the future, God willing, holds for me:
-Costa Rica, Panama, Nicaragua
-graduate school at UCLA
Beyond that, I haven't the slightest clue...

Uncertainty... A little distressing, but a little exciting as well, no?

Certainty... Everything will be all right...

Adventures and destiny and burritos await...

I just finished playing three hours of basketball. Like most people, I sweat profusely when participating in such rigorous activities. However, while I was drenched in sweat at the gym, the car trip home with the brisk air rushing in through the windows has left me perfectly dry. My dilemma? I can't decide whether or not I want to shower... Hahaha...

You know what? I'm not COMPLETELY dry... Hahaha...

Mysteriously, it just won't dry... Hahaha...

If stagnancy is to be at a standstill, then no such stagnancy has seized me. It is a rather different thing when one is slowly swallowed by the sinking sand.

Freakin' vibe action goin' on...

Must be on my guard or I will fall...

The ego truly has no bounds...

When I was in Central America, I started a list of goals I wanted to accomplish in my lifetime. Since those sweltering days, I haven't really thought of any items to add to my illustrious list (if you can call it that). Here's what I have so far:

___Goal #1: witness lava flowing down the side of a volcano

Well, I have taken the time to add one more goal in my life.

___Goal #2: see the aurora borealis and make an earnest attempt to draw it (even though I suck at drawing)

I have to mention that appreciating nature is harder for some than others. I'm not quite sure how much I enjoy the natural world, but I've come to learn a few things about myself. I learned these things on my recent trip to Argentina.

First, nature in motion is far more exciting than nature at a standstill. Take the wind and the rain... The elements are in constant movement whether in rhythm (as the rain often is) or in total chaos (as the wind often is). It doesn't matter whether rhythmic or chaotic, because these things MOVE. Hahaha... (I also like shiny things... Oooh...shiny...) My favorite part of my trip to Argentina was seeing the waterfalls at Iguazu. Words or pictures could not describe just how amazing these hundreds and thousands of waterfalls are. The tremendous volumes of water, the water's constant and ferocious flow, the variety of cascades different in height, width, power, etc., everything... I haven't seen the Niagara Falls, but I hear that huge waterfall has nothing on the "cataratas de Iguazu." Here I relate to you how I spent my Christmas in the year 2005. I was near the tip of Argentina, close to the South Pole, watching the glaciers as they were melting. Now, I have the greatest admiration for glaciers... I mean, look at all the pretty shades of blue, the tremendous size and majesty of these frozen mountains, their significant role in creating and destroying life... But there's just something about waiting to see glaciers break for four long hours that is reminiscent of watching paint dry. In other words, it's kind of boring because nothing MOVES much... Hahaha... Okay, I really don't want to sound like I dislike glaciers; in fact, I love glaciers. When you hear that thunderous sound of the massive ice breaking and see the splash of water as the ice hits the ocean, sinks, and once again emerges, you can't help but be amazed... Okay, I take it back; glaciers are also awesome. But you get my drift? Motion is exciting.

Second, nature needs to be appreciated from different vantage points. That's why a single picture can hardly capture the moment. The wonderful thing about the national park at Iguazu was that it was designed so that tourists could get different glimpses of the waterfalls. Some of the viewing areas were below the waterfalls, some above the waterfalls, and the rest somewhere in between. But wherever I was, I could always see something new... I think my favorite vistas were above the huge mother of all waterfalls (appropriately named something along the lines of "the mouth of hell") and below the waterfalls from a boat as I was thorougly drenched. Even with the glaciers and the lakes and the mountains and the plains, it was all a matter of perspective. Otherwise, I think I would have died of boredom when I saw my umpteenth lake...

Finally, attitude and mood is usually important too... Oh, and also who you're with... Good thing I was on my best behavior...

I think that's all I wanted to share...

Motivations fascinate me. I like to think about why people do the things that they do. And for the most part, I don't give people the benefit of the doubt. My rationale? People suck ass. I can't help but feel that every action is driven by some ulterior motivation rooted in that person's selfishness. Maybe I have a pessimistic view of humanity, but that's just how I feel...

Of course, people suck ass to different extents. Some have found miraculous ways to be more selfless than the average ass-sucker. To these people, I raise my cup. Others have found ingenious ways to cover up their ulterior motives, and they appear to be selfless. These people are so clever that they fool just about everyone, sometimes fooling even themselves. The last category belongs to people that aren't very good at hiding their designs. Transparency is good, but their ugliness is showing for all to see. I'm not quite sure which is worse... I suppose that putting on a mask is dangerous, but on the other hand, should people be so obvious?

Anyway, I said that people suck ass, but that's pretty much true about myself as well. I suck ass. Lately, I've been realizing more and more that I'm thoroughly screwed up.

One specific thing that I've noticed about myself is that oftentimes, I pit one evil against the other. For example, say I had a choice between stealing (the wrong thing) and not stealing (the right thing). Now, I'm tempted to do the wrong thing, but ultimately, I choose not to steal. However, my motivation for doing the right thing is pride; I tell myself, "I'm too good to be stealing." So in the end, I've evaded stealing, but I've caved in to pride. Did any good come from this at all? People will say that the ends justify the means, but I can't agree to that.

This pattern is prominent in my life. And while I like some of the results, I'm achieving them through some questionable means.

As a final note, I really think we should give people the benefit of the doubt. The only reason I don't do it is because I'm a judgmental and critical hypocrite. (I hate hypocrites...almost as much as I hate arrogant people. Heh heh...) And while what I've said about people may be and is probably true (that they suck ass), we're told to love people regardless.

Hi, I'm participating in the 30 Hour Famine (February 24-25, 2006) with my youth group kids (http://www.30hourfamine.org). If you'd like to give a helping hand, please sponsor me and send a donation. Make all checks out to WORLD VISION. You'll be helping out starving children across the world.

"I dare you to move..."

My address:

F Valentine's Day!

Alex S Hyun: date?
chuckshin818: f u
Alex S Hyun: haha
Alex S Hyun: what?
Alex S Hyun: just asking!
chuckshin818: ahaha

Alex S Hyun: date tonight?
chuckshin818: no
chuckshin818: f u
Alex S Hyun: hahaha

I think I'm becoming an angrier person these days. More accurately, I think I'm reverting back to the angry kid I used to be. You may not know it, but I used to be a pretty quick-tempered child. I talked a lot too, so that meant I said a lot of things that were mean-spirited to say the least. Usually, if someone said something to me and it wasn't to my liking, I'd snap right back in their face. I was really good at it...

Somewhere along the line, I like to think that I found Jesus. Hahaha... I'm not actually sure what it was, but I mellowed out a lot. I stopped arguing with my parents so much or fighting with my sisters or snapping back at people. Yeah, I had the occasional outburst here and there, but it wasn't like it was happening on a consistent basis like before.

So what has happened to me now? Well, aside from my annual New Year's Eve argument with my mother (going on strong two years now), much of the anger comes on the basketball court. I've had a couple episodes so far, and I don't really like it.

What these incidents, whether on or off the court, boil down to is pride, and I have much more of it than I thought I did. My biggest pet peeve? Ironically, I hate arrogant people. I read somewhere in one of C. S. Lewis' writings that "the more pride one had, the more one disliked pride in others." So what does that say about me? I'm probably the cockiest bastard there is... Or maybe I flatter myself too much... The point is that I'm far more proud that I could ever imagine.

This all brings me to another problem. I HATE apologizing to people when I'm pretty sure the other party is more at fault than I am. Interestingly, this aversion to saying "sorry" doesn't really apply to the fairer sex. I'm more than willing to apologize to women, girls, whatever you wanna call them, because 1) more than likely, I was probably at fault, 2) more than likely, I was probably at fault, and 3) more than likely, I was probably at fault. (You might say that surely, girls cannot be so innocent, but I talk out of my ass.) The worst case scenario by far is when a girl starts to cry. What the hell can you do but say "sorry?" Of course, this apology usually follows the apparently insensitive question (which I'm only asking to make sure), "Are you crying?" Sigh... Anyway, when it comes to guys, I just can't get myself to offer an apology, call a truce, whatever... Simply put, I'm right and they're wrong... Why should I even bother? And this is once again where that great sin enters my heart...

It's funny how I remember some of Pastor Eugene's illustrations. I remember something along the lines of removing boulders, rocks, and pebbles from your own metaphorical quarry. I'm not quite clear what the whole point was, but this is what I understood. A person first excavates the boulders, which represent the "big" sins in our lives. It takes a while, but it's done eventually. Once these boulders are out of the way, the person finds a multitude of rocks that need to be removed. Similarly, the rocks symbolize the "medium" sins. It's a lighter load but there are sooo many rocks to clear. It's an uphill battle but after years and years, the site is clear of these rocks. Finally, all that's left are the little pebbles. The problem is that it's impossible to get rid of the pebbles because there's an infinite number of them. But even so, the person labors ceaselessly.

So what in the world am I saying? I'm not sure. But I remember that analogy.

Black Cherry Vanilla Coca-Cola is whatevers.

I owe God at least $1500.

$1 Movie Tuesdays at the old Krikorian save me lots of $$$.

Mr. Blunt and Augustana sing Beautiful Boston (although I doubt I would ever run away to Boston).

Twenty-three. Twenty-four in August.

I'm already retired.

It has come to my attention that Kobe Bryant has recently scored a whopping 81 points... And yes, what an unbelievable feat it was... But what exactly empowered Mr. Bryant to do the seemingly impossible?

I've always had my suspicions that Kobe was EVIL. Aside from his selfishness on the court, his disputes with just about EVERYONE, and the Colorado incident (whatever that was), there is something about Kobe that is just not likeable. It's almost like that friendly and playful dog who is excited to see just about anyone. But on the rarest of occasions, this otherwise delightful canine will become the most savage beast when confronted with that ONE person. You yourself have had your suspicions that this person was a little off, but when your dog goes berserk, you have to start thinking that there's something more going on here. After all, it's been scientifically proven that dogs can sense evil. Hahaha... And maybe fans all across the world can sense something sinister about Mr. Bryant, consequently making him one of the most hated athletes on the face of the earth.

However, this is all besides the point... Maybe most sports fans and I just get bad vibes from Kobe...

But then a funny thing happened... Kobe scored his miraculous 81 points on his 666th regular season game. Coincidence? I think not... (In fact, scientists have also proven that there are no coincidences...)

A day or two later, a certain Vince Carter came out and told the media that Kobe's performance wasn't good for the kiddies, that it didn't honor the team game... His next game, Vince Carter left with a back injury... Once again, there are no coincidences...

Therefore, I must conclude that sinister forces are at work here. Watch your back. Kobe Bryant = EVIL. MUHAHAHA!!!

New Year's resolutions (in no particular order):

Resolved to chew my food before I eat it.
Resolved to never gamble in a casino again.
Resolved to watch television only when I must absolutely have it and read books in its stead.

Stagnant waters from which mosquitos rise to spread their pestilence...

Splash!















Ice cold, baby...

Look at the color of the ice... Isn't it crazy?

Yeah, it's a new year... 2006 blah blah...

Here's my question:

What happened?

Just a few days ago, I was itching to write about my adventures in beautiful Argentina... I wanted to share my so-ever-deep insights... I wanted to post my pictures, each surely worth more than a thousand words...

But I'm just not feeling it...















Yeah... Maybe some other time... Baaa...

An early Merry Christmas...

I'm off to my homeland...making my first return to Argentina since I left it 15 years ago... It should be interesting to say the least... As it is summer in the southern hemisphere, it's gonna be a hot and humid Christmas, "just like the ones I used to know." Anyway, I don't think they celebrate Christmas the same way in Argentina... I swear, I didn't know who Santa Claus was until I first came to the United States. I don't think I ever believed in Santa Claus either... Am I deprived? My first Christmas in the United States (I was seven), my parents invited Santa Claus over. Santa Claus was freakin' Korean... Never even had the chance to believe in the true, white Saint Nicholas... (On a quick side note, the idea of the existence of the tooth fairy was ludicrous. Every Argentinean boy and girl knows that it's a mouse who handsomely rewards you for your milk teeth. A fairy? Stupid...)

I'll be back on New Year's Eve, I think?

Feliz Navidad!

Props to #33 S.P.

I had forgotten what the mornings looked like.

They're nice...

Jack Bauer is the man.

Yup, still engrossed in freakin' 24.

One thing that I've noticed about the series is that the majority of the women characters are b--ches. It's almost as if the producers of the show have this negative view about women. It's not like all women are either 1) conniving, deceitful, power-hungry b--ches, 2) annoying people that need to be killed off, or 3) treacherous back-stabbing traitors. I'm not sure what the difference is between 1) and 3) but they gotta kill off some of these annoying characters...

I don't know... I guess the male characters can be just as bad, but the women just have that special something that screams out "b--ch!"

Hahaha... I need to get out...

I have just finished the entire first season of 24. That is some crazy stuff. I'm pretty sure that a day like that could never ever happen, but I guess that's what's so fun about it. One of the characters in the series actually goes through what is probably the worst day imaginable. Let's see just how ridiculous the day was for her...

(Don't read any further if you're planning on watching the show...)

She finds out that her daughter's been kidnapped. She gets kidnapped herself. She's raped. The mother and daughter are rescued, only to be pursued by professional hitmen. She loses her memory as she witnesses her daughter's apparent death in a car explosion. Her daughter actually survives, but she gets kidnapped AGAIN. Just when everything seems like it's gonna end well, she gets shot and dies...while she's pregnant. WOW. What a cruddy 24 hours...

Yes, an unrealistic day... But I'm hooked... Starting the second season NOW...

If I call something "indescribable," then aren't I describing it?

I hate your shoulder.

I give up.

I don't want to work on my applications anymore... My personal statement sucks. I have very little experience. My GPA is whatevers. But I don't care. If I don't get in anywhere, I don't get in anywhere. And that's that...

There are far more important things...

Pale Alex in paradise...
















Can you see the shark? That's right, I have no fear.
















No trumpets after 10:00 PM. Hahaha...

To say that I'm in a slump would be an understatement.

This is how I like my Sapporo Ichiban ramen.

I put in the least amount of water needed to cook the ramen so that it's dang salty. After the water boils (and it boils quickly since there's so little of it), the fun begins. In a span of 20 seconds, I insert the noodles, the soup base, and an egg. Then I let all the yummy goodness boil for about 40 seconds to a minute while I stir the noodles, making sure NOT to pop the egg. Then I immediately turn off the heat. That way the noodles are a little uncooked and the egg is gooey on the inside.

I take my first bite of Sapporo Ichiban and my glasses fog up. So I take them off. I enjoy my meal.

This is how we do it.

I just watched A Walk to Remember. What an incredibly cheesy and unrealistic movie. And yet, I'm strangely moved to appreciate life a little bit more.

Mandy Moore's a cutie.

So, I'm pretty obnoxious... I get kicks by messing around with people. I like to pull pranks and push people's buttons.

Take today, for example... I know Eugene takes food seriously (a little too seriously), so I hid his bread sticks from him while he was in the restroom. Dude went crazy when he found out that his bread sticks were missing. Hahaha... (Of course, he immediately suspected me of stealing his precious sticks when it could have been any of several people eating at Taco Bell/Pizza Hut. Why is it always me?) He told me that if someone stole his personal pan pizza, he would have probably gone berserk and killed someone. I believe him. Eugene loves his food.

I think I'm going to take my small group of 10th grade juvenile delinquents saran-wrapping this Friday night. I'm not being a good example, but if you knew who the target was...trust me, you'd want to join in the fun! (Oh oh...)

On a side note, I'd like to jot down my observations about irony and the earthworm. What is irony? Irony is the earthworm managing to escape drowning in the soggy soil after a rainfall only to dry out on the sidewalk and die.

(EDIT: I looked up some info about earthworms and apparently, they can't drown. The reason they come out of the soil is to mate. So, what is irony? Irony is the earthworm leaving its home to procreate, to create life, only to find death at the hands, or rather, the boots of merciless men.)

EARTHWORMS ARE OUR HERMAPHRODITIC FARMERS!

I just remembered how I dislike October.

GRE this Friday... Yup... It's freakin' October.

"Friendships are unconditional, you know what I'm saying? You're my good f---ing friend. You have a good dream and sh-t."

-Anonymous Drunk Friend

Hahaha... I will have a good dream and sh-t.

Heh... I got my first drunk call today...

You know, I didn't think I'd ever get one of these, and at the same time, I kinda always wanted to receive one.

What's the nature of these phone calls?

Aren't they "happy" conversations where your drunk friend calls to remind you just how good a friend you've been?

"Ah, my inebriated friend, you flatter me."

Sigh... There's something about alcohol that brings out the best in people.

No really.

Such genuineness and openness...

We could all learn a little something from our drunk friends...

But then again... Heh heh...

I must learn patience now.

Look, I can't do this.

I wanna pull a good prank on someone. Hahaha... Be on the lookout!

I'm sick. I'm weak.

I have no motivation. I have no discipline.

Every morning, I wake up hoping that things will be different today. But they're always the same.

Every day, I realize more and more that I don't like who I am. But I never change.

And the guilt, oh my goodness, the guilt... It eats away at me...

Life is harsh, but I can't say that it's harsh...because life isn't harsh, but isn't it?

I don't get it.

David Crowder was amazing. The guy looks so strange, like a complete dweeb, but man, he's a lot of fun. Praising God should be enjoyable, and this dude hits the mark. A much needed celebration...

"How could You be so good to me?"

I need to shake things up, get things going... Application deadlines are just around the corner, and I've hardly started what I should have finished a month ago... Living at home isn't helping the situation at all... It's as if all productive juices are just sucked dry when I'm home... I need to take drastic measures... What those will be, I'm not exactly sure... One thing I do know... I need to get out of here...

Alex in Wonderland

Passages from the Bible that give me goose bumps:

Esther 4:13-16
13 And Mordecai told them to answer Esther: "Do not think in your heart that you will escape in the king's palace any more than all the other Jews. 14 For if you remain completely silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father's house will perish. Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" 15 Then Esther told them to reply to Mordecai: 16 "Go, gather all the Jews who are present in Shushan, and fast for me; neither eat nor drink for three days, night or day. My maids and I will fast likewise. And so I will go to the king, which is against the law; and if I perish, I perish!"

Daniel 3:14-18
14 Nebuchadnezzar spoke, saying to them, "Is it true, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego, that you do not serve my gods or worship the gold image which I have set up? 15 Now if you are ready at the time you hear the sound of the horn, flute, harp, lyre, and psaltery, in symphony with all kinds of music, and you fall down and worship the image which I have made, good! But if you do not worship, you shall be cast immediately into the midst of a burning fiery furnace. And who is the god who will deliver you from my hands?" 16 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego answered and said to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in this matter. 17 If that is the case, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us from your hand, O king. 18 But if not, let it be known to you, O king, that we do not serve your gods, nor will we worship the gold image which you have set up."

I miss college...

Bummed...

I'm not gonna even say anything...

Heh heh...

I can understand looting. A person doesn't have the basic necessities whether it be food, water, clothing, diapers, whatever, so he does what he has to do. I can even understand looting when it involves valuable goods. The temptation is there to take what you no longer have or what you never had to begin with. It makes sense.

But WTF is shooting at a rescue helicopter that's only trying to save people's lives and provide victims with relief?

It makes me so mad...

I want to write about what's going on in my life, but personally, I can't bring up a topic in my life that is even a little important compared to the tragedies in Mississippi, New Orleans, and the neighboring areas.

I don't even know why I care so much... I mean, this kind of stuff (suicide bombings, earthquakes, floods, etc.) happens all the time and people die everyday... Usually, I'm a little indifferent to all of this. Sure, I sigh and feel bad, but it feels so far away and so irrelevant to me that I usually forget about it after a few seconds... Even 9/11 didn't shake me so much until I gave it months and years to soak in...

It's a little different this time... I feel guilty talking about my little insignificant life when I know people are going through some serious struggles out there. At the same time, there are probably millions and millions of people suffering throughout the world, but they're almost secondary at this point. (Where are the memories of the tsunami? Where are the prayers for its victims?) So, I guess that proximity is one of the factors playing into all this... But there are certainly other things affecting me that I just can't pinpoint right now...

I was gonna write a little about retreat... I was gonna write about competition and how I'm so ugly inside when I just want to stick it to some people... I was gonna write about how I'm gonna stop playing basketball because one of my finger's so swollen... But seriously, these things are so petty... They make me sick...

I hope I'm not being self-righteous right now...

Eh, knowing myself, I probably am... So ugly...

What's left? Prayer.

Eh, I don't even do enough of that myself... So hypocritical...

And still... Prayer.

I was going to do a little recap of the retreat I had just attended, but in light of what could possibly happen in the next few hours, that won't do... I urge you to pray for New Orleans and its inhabitants. What in the world is happening over there? Can you imagine yourself anticipating a disaster so catastrophic that it could flood your entire city? God have mercy on New Orleans...

Mayra ate monkeys! Gross, huh?

I bet you it tastes like human...

Resolved to try a little harder, damn it!

"What are you doing? This isn't a party. We're conducting an investigation. You need to get out of here."

-angry police officer to me

Don't ask... I have no common sense...

Good times...

My sisters are finally back!

Mayra ate monkey brains.

Verona broke out like mad.

Hahaha...

Sooo happy to see them again...

I don't want to complain or anything...

...but...I really feel gipped.

I don't know... I met my long lost friends from years past today... Man, I didn't recognize who the heck they were...but that's beside the point... What really got to me was that it appeared that, except for me, these guys had kept in touch over the years. Leo and Esteban seemed to be pretty good friends. Esteban imformed me that he had recently talked to Daniel who is in New Jersey of all places. Leo and Guillermo have some kind of connection; I think they might actually be extended relatives. And so on... So here's my question: Where the heck was I? In nearly fifteen years, I had not spoken a single word to these guys, while they apparently had grown up together.

You can imagine that I was a little envious. I felt like I had lost friends. And these are friends literally from the womb. As far back as you can remember, these guys were wreaking havoc and pretending to be the effing Thundercats...by your side. Yeah, that's what I did back in the day, and I'm sure I made a pretty damn good Thundercat. And I'm sure, I'm absolutely sure, that there were many more adventures...only my stupid memory fails me...

And to be stripped away from all that... I don't know... It's harsh...

And you can't really be reconnected to something like that... You can't just re-join the posse... Things have changed... Relationships forged, connections lost... So, here I was, the odd man out... I couldn't even speak in Spanish, my so-called native tongue...

These were the thoughts running through my head today. It was a funeral and a man had passed away, and I was thinking only of myself. Sigh...

So, what do you say to someone you haven't seen in a decade and a half who has tragically lost their grandfather?

I don't know. I didn't say anything at all...

Childhood memories in beautiful Argentina...

I still remember the names of my friends back then: Esteban, Leo, Daniel, Guillermo...but not much more than that... Esteban was my close neighborhood friend, and our families would do a bunch of stuff together... Leo was the short one, and his parents were concerned that he wouldn't grow... I think I considered Daniel to be my closest friend, but all I remember is sleeping over his place this one time... I only remember Guillermo because his little brother would laugh "ho ho ho ho"... Pretty crappy memories, huh?

It's been over 14 years since I've seen or talked to any of my childhood friends. And when I say "childhood," I mean the prime years of that most innocent period.

I think these were my happiest years because...

I can't say much about life right now... College had its shares of ups, but there were too many downs... Junior high and high school was all about fitting in, and I hated that crap... Elementary school was decent but it can't really compare to the joys of living life as a simpleton little kid... Hahaha...

Anyway, that was my posse...

I bring this up because on Friday I'm being reunited with two of these guys, Leo and Esteban. The unfortunate thing is that we're meeting under the crappiest circumstances, Leo's grandfather's funeral... What do you say to someone who has tragically lost their grandfather? What do you say to someone you haven't seen in a decade and a half?

Oh, to return to happier and simpler days...

The past few days, I've been helping my parents move out of their previous factory into a new one. They work in Los Angeles selling clothing wholesale. Yeah, whatever that means... Anyway, I don't think I've ever done so much manual labor in my life. I was basically lifting and moving thousands of rolls of fabric, hour upon hour, till my hands were numb. You know how people say you can tell if someone works hard by the condition of their hands? Well, that's a bunch of crap, because that only applies to people who are consistently doing manual labor, sewing, washing dishes, etc. I have nice, soft hands, but don't judge me by their appearance. Hahaha...

You've heard of Charlie and his chocolate factory? I'm Alex and this was my effing fabric factory... I've never seen so many different colors, so many different textures, so many different styles... It was incredible... If you ever need fabric, I'm pretty sure I can help... Even so, this didn't have the same appeal to me as a factory full of candy... Willy Wonka had his oompa-loompas; my dad had his Mexican workers. These guys really worked their butts off, and any notion that Mexicans are stereotypically lazy was forcefully dispelled out of my mind. Besides, I'm the lazy one...

This brings me to another point. You know how people say this or that was a "good experience." I say it all the time... "My visit to Central America was a good experience" or "It was good to experience a day doing manual labor"... But, what bothers me is that what I call a "good experience" is actually a minuscule fragment of someone's way of life. How could a mere experience capture the real deal? And aren't I making light of life when I think that an experience will suffice to portray it? I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's pretty arrogant to think that a person knows much of anything after a so-called "experience." But yeah, I guess I'm making a big deal out of nothing and I've said the word "experience" entirely too many times...

I'm really tired and sore...

I've also added another thing to my list. She needs to speak a foreign language, preferably Spanish or Portuguese... Korean doesn't count... Korean sucks. Hahaha...

I tried my hand at golf today. Golf. It's the latest craze these days... I have no idea why... Golf sucks. Hahaha... It was my first time at the driving range, and I couldn't hit the ball anywhere... The Korean lady right next to me was kicking my ass... If for whatever reason I end up playing golf on a regular basis, please shoot me... To me, golf is what old people do, and I refuse to do what old people do... Things like golfing and getting a job and what not... Hahaha... These things can wait... After all, is it not the springtime of my youth???

This man amazes me...

"In reality, the difference between Biological life and Spiritual life is so important that I am going to give them two distinct names. The Biological sort which comes to us through Nature, and which (like everything else in Nature) is always tending to run down and decay so that it can only be kept up by incessant subsidies from Nature in the form of air, water, food, etc., is Bios. The Spiritual life which is in God from all eternity, and which made the whole natural universe, is Zoe. Bios has, to be sure, a certain shadowy or symbolic resemblance to Zoe: but only the sort of resemblance there is between a photo and a place, or a statue and a man. A man who changed from having Bios to having Zoe would have gone through as big a change as a statue which changed from being a carved stone to being a real man.

And that is precisely what Christianity is about. This world is a great sculptor's shop. We are the statues and there is a rumor going round the shop that some of us are some day going to come to life."

-C. S. Lewis

If I'm not taking steps forward, then I'm taking steps backward.

If I don't live out the lessons that I've learned, then I haven't learned anything.

The past few days of nothingness, I've been wondering which is better...Naruto or Bleach. For those of you who are a little insulted that I would put Bleach on the same level as Naruto, I urge you to check Bleach out. It's some crazy stuff! The action's great and plentiful, the characters are way cool, and the humor is delightful. Much like Naruto, Bleach teaches me so many life lessons I don't know what to do... Hahaha...

So, which one is it? Hate to do this, but I'm gonna call it a tie. Here's why:

1) Action. In terms of action, Naruto has the upper edge with all the cool ninjutsu techniques. For example, Naruto can freakin' summon a gigantic ninja toad with an equally huge ninja sword. I'm not even mentioning some of the other things the other characters can do... While Bleach has some pretty crazy and intense action as well, ninjas are ultimately cooler than samurai-like death gods. Naruto wins.

2) Characters. I've fallen in love with characters from both sides, so I can't say I prefer the characters from one series over the other. Ichigo or Naruto? Both dynamic and loveable main characters... Kakashi or Kenpachi? Both so cool... Hahaha... Such depth on both parts... Tie.

3) Humor. Bleach wins this category because it's so dang funny even in the later episodes. Naruto used to be funny, but it's been missing something as of late... Yeah, there's the occasional laugh in Naruto, but the laugh while I watch Bleach is heartier and richer. Hahaha... Bleach wins.

So there you have it... A tie.

And as always, I remain a loser...

"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

Now there are multiple losers... Hahaha... Only if...

My nipples hurt after most types of strenuous exercise like running or playing basketball. Is that normal? (I thought it was...) WTH???

This is not life...

I want to live...

Every single day is such a battle...

One slip...and that mistake snowballs into miserable defeat...

We stumble... We fall... And...

"Why do we fall?"

The answer:

"So we can learn to pick ourselves up again."

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again...

Spent some time with some of the older guys (Stephen, Chongo, Slum, Tony, Allen, and Albert) here in Monte Verde, Costa Rica... What a bunch of ridiculous fellas... Went on a canopy tour and it was pretty amazing... Flying through the dense fog above while witnessing the lush green below... Pura vida, indeed...

Cute girl on the island of Ometepe in Nicaragua... She would call me Jackie Chan... Her name was Marjorie... If I ever wanted to flirt with a girl, all I would do is go down a muddy, slippery path on the lush, jungle-like side of a Nicaraguan volcano. Yeah...WTF?

There was a cute girl on an island in Nicaragua, but...she was a cute girl on an island in Nicaragua... Enough said.

Sometimes God answers your prayers, and a few days later, you completely forget what He has done for you. Happens to me all the time... This shows what an ingrateful child I really am. God pulled through this time, and I hope I can remember to thank Him and trust that He will finish what He has started.

06/04/2005 (Managua, Nicaragua)
I´ll have these moments when everything is so surreal as if I were dreaming. When I come to, I´ll ask myself, ¨What the hell am I doing here for six months?¨ And then, I´ll laugh...

19/04/2005 (Managua, Nicaragua)
I don´t like the sight of blood... And could it be that simple? But honestly, I don´t think I could do blood and flesh for a living. Puncturing and cutting and stitching up chunks of flesh as blood gurgles and splatters everywhere... It is certainly not for the faint of heart (and for that matter, not for the faint of stomach). I´m not even talking about the stress and the responsibility and what not... I´m talking about blood...and most, if not all, bodily fluids...

I suck at updating, so here´s my lame attempt to make up for weeks, nay, months past... Here is an entry from my journal:

11/04/2005 (Masaya, Nicaragua)
Volcan Masaya... ¨La Boca del Infierno.¨ ¨The Mouth of Hell.¨ My first close-up view of an active volcano... I watched sulfurous smoke rising ominously... All around, there was evidence of the massive destruction that the many eruptions and explosions had caused over the years. Taken together, it was an awesome sight that inspired fear and wonder on my part. Making my way down the mountain, I saw that molten rock was still everywhere. And yet, life was springing forth from the very thing that had brought death and destruction.

Inspired by Lynda´s suggestion to think of some ¨goals¨or ¨things to do¨ in the course of my lifetime, I have decided to jot them down in this here journal.
___Goal # 1: witness lava flowing down the side of a volcano

So I haven´t been to church since Easter Sunday... It´s a little new for me...missing church for multiple weeks... Even so, I´m not sure that it has been all that detrimental to my spiritual health. Maybe this is a reflection of how much (or rather how little) I value church... Maybe I feel I can get by without it...

Anyway, I leave you with some inspiring resolutions by Clyde Kilby:
1) At least once every day I shall look steadily up at the sky and remember that I, a consciousness with a conscience, am on a planet traveling in space with wonderfully mysterious things above and about me.
2) I shall sometimes look back at the freshness of vision I had in childhood and try, at least for a while, to be, in the words of Lewis Carroll, the ¨child of the pure unclouded brow, and dreaming eyes of wonder.¨
3) I shall not fall into the falsehood that this day, or any day, is merely another ambiguous and plodding twenty-four hours, but rather a unique event, filled, if I so wish, with worthy potentialities. I shall not be fool enough to suppose that trouble and pain are wholly evil parentheses in my existence but, just as likely, ladders to be climbed toward moral and spiritual manhood.
4) I shall not demean my own uniqueness by envy of others. I shall stop boring into myself to discover what psychological or social categories I might belong to. Mostly I shall simply forget about myself and do my work.
5) I shall not allow the devilish onrush of this century to usurp all my energies but will instead, as Charles Williams suggested, ¨fulfill the moment as the moment.¨ I shall try to live well just now because the only time that exists is now.

Hahaha... I haven´t told you anything about my experiences here at all... Maybe some other time...

Greetings from Costa Rica!

So dang, I´m such a liar... I haven´t updated in ages, and I apologize sincerely...

Stay tuned! Really!

Greetings from Nicaragua!

I do not like sending electronic mail over the world wide web. I do not like the idea of sending a letter that will potentially be left unread by a reader who does not wish to read it in the first place. That is why I will try to update my web log, so that the reader will have the choice to read the crap that I write.

I will update as the days go by...

I suppose I won't be posting for a long, long time...

Six months... That is an eternity.

Dang... I thought I'd be able to leave a nice entry, but that's not gonna happen with the way things are in my mind right now...

So I bid you farewell, and please, pray for me.

Hasta luego!

My update on pretty girls:

Cute girl #1:

The Bad News
I've recently heard an unpleasant report about her from a reliable and trustworthy source. According to my friend, she "seems stuck-up" and he doesn't get a good vibe from her.

The Good News
My friend made his evaluation based on a single encounter with her. So maybe, he caught her at a bad time. Aren't girls prone to hormonal imbalances once a month?

Cute girl #2:

The Bad News
I've just discovered that she might be a whopping 25 years old. While she appears to be younger, she is in fact a full-fledged woman.

The Good News
I'm obviously more than mature enough to handle a woman three years older than me.

Hahaha... I had to laught at that last bit...

What does this all mean?

Basically, there is no good news.

I'm back at square numero uno...

And I have one less thing to think about.

Cute girl #2 at Sa-Rang! I keep seeing pretty faces here... Hahaha...

I met the head pastor of Sa-Rang today as well. He gave me some advice and prayed for my upcoming trip. He's a pretty cool guy especially because he can speak English.

Dude, I'm a loser.

If I weren't me, I'd seriously beat me up.

And while I was beating me up, I'd laugh at me.

And while I was being beat up, I'd laugh too.

Heh heh... I am such a loser!

I'd tell you about it, but I'm awfully embarassed...

It's usually not a good sign when you wake up at four o'clock in the afternoon. But surprisingly the day was a lot better than anything I could have hoped for.

So lately I've been downloading old Super Nintendo games and playing those suckers way into the night. That explains why I woke up at 4:00 PM... It's not a good habit, I must admit, but it's so fun to play games that bring fond memories of days past... I definitely need to fix my sleeping schedule pronto, though...

Anyway, what made my Friday a wonderful day? A couple things...

Fridays (and Saturdays) tend to be the most uneventful days for me. During the weekdays, I have work to keep me occupied at the very least. During the weekends, however, I go through spells of boredom that drive me insane. Usually, I don't do much and no one really hangs out. So, of course, I was pleasantly surprised when I got a call from the great D. H. Stevens. I met up with not only D.H. but also with M. H. Michaels. Always nice to see those two fellows...

Next, I headed to the church gym to play some ball. Don't wanna brag, but I was on tonight. Although I was playing on an injured leg, I still scorched the opposition and then some... Hahaha... It's nice to win a streak of games... Anyway, I'm done bragging... It never lasts anyways...

Which brings me to my next happy moment of the day... I don't even know if it's happy but it certainly stirred emotions... So back in high school, there was a really pretty girl that I would always find myself staring at. Yeah, she was dang pretty... I'm sure that we made eye contact at least once, if not more. The problem was that I never ever talked to her because I had no "point of entry." Plus, I'm shy. Hahaha... I guess I did have a point of entry because she was my friend's cousin, but I'm a loser. Sigh... Such regrets... Anyway, she came by my church today because we were having some cafe night thing, and she dropped by the church gym... The instant that I saw her, I recognized her. She was still as cute as I can remember... Unfortunately, that was it, because she just peeked in and then she was gone. I too (uncharacteristically) had places to be...

So, a bunch of ol' Berkeley folk (Elise, Karen, Paul, Roy, Taryn, and me) met up at the Block (the place I had to be)... Always nice to see their faces and have a good laugh with one another... Once the girls were gone, the boys played...video games... It was just like old times in Berkeley. Man, I miss those days... Man, Roy sucks at video games...

I came home at 4:00 AM...

And so was the day... Twelve hours of F-U-N, FUN.

I think I'm gonna wake up at 3:00 PM tomorrow...

Look at the time I'm writing this... I'm a silly boy.

Insomnia.

Current craze: The Postal Service. I vow to buy their CD this very day!

Current pet peeve: Cheap Korean employers who deceive their employees. I want my freakin' $80!

Quaint, ain't I?

Went to the ol' college after a two-month absence and found it to be the same place I had left... I imagine that won't be the case in a few months when I'll feel older than I feel right now...

College is a hoot, and if you don't think so, I urge you to think about what it means to be out of college. Heck, I don't even know what it means to be out of college, but it's not that much fun... Walking on Durant and Telegraph, I realized how exciting it is to be a student interacting with other students every day of the week. And when I say "interact," I mean it in the very loosest sense of the word... To me, even people-watching is "interacting." People-watching was one of my favorite things to do--to sit on a bench and watch them walk by, meet up with friends, do something that would crack me up. So many little people--insignificant really, in comparison to the larger scheme of the world--living their little lives as if their lives were as big as the world. No, with people today, their lives are as big as the universe. I know only because the whole universe already revolves around me... But what the heck am I saying? Ah yes, it is good to be a student...

On Friday, I spent most of the early afternoon sitting on the Dwinelle benches engaging in one of my favorite Berkeley pastimes: the Daily Cal crossword puzzle. I still got it... Heh heh, man, I wish I could have those things mailed to my house. It's really funny how those crossword puzzles single-handedly consumed all the mental energy I needed to pay attention in lecture. I wonder how much more I could have learned and how much better I could have performed in my classes if I had only forsook these things. But then again, I probably would not have learned that to "ape" is to imitate or that an "edam" is some kind of Dutch delicacy. So, I have to say that it was well worth it.

Saturday, I picked up right where I had left off with my ex-roommate Charles. Nothingness. I think Charles and I make a formidable duo in the art of bumming around. It was just like old times, only now we didn't even have school to worry about. Our level of uselessness, laziness, boredom, whatever you want to call it, exponentially increased to some unimaginable point. Even so, I enjoyed having a partner in crime. It feels a little bit better when you have someone else wasting away with you.

The Lord's Day at KCPC. Pastor Ting always manages to crack me up. He always goes on some funny little tangent, and the whole congregation is like "wha...?" and I'm like "heh heh." Dude taught us some Greek, and I was down with that. All I can say about AWANA is I wanna AWANA. Terribly missed some of those kids... But what can I do? Life goes on...

Had a grand ol' time at Reno/Tahoe from Sunday to Monday. Gambling is definitely a sin for me and I should not be allowed to take any part in it. It's soooo fun... Snowboarding was a blast because the snow was nice and fluffy and I'm finally getting this carving thing down. The company was mucho fun, and the weekend was quite reminiscent of another trip to Reno/Tahoe.

And so was my illustrious weekend away from home...

Morons go to Morongo.

I am a moron.

Tisk tisk...

I wonder what the first man to see lightning thought...

kpsmrtboy15 (9:43:02 PM): wat'd u do today?
ALEXsHYUN (9:43:11 PM): haha...walked the dog


"Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace."

-Frederick Buechner

I am an island-hopper and my friends are the islands.

These islands come in many different sizes. You have the one-person islands which as the name suggests are made up one individual. And then there are the bigger ones that vary in size but consist of people that generally have something in common. The landscapes on these different islands are always different and although I try to be myself wherever I go, I find myself adapting and trying to fit in. In the course of my life, I've sailed endlessly back and forth, here and there, all over the ocean that separates my constellation of islands.

Sailing to and from different islands and adapting to each unique environment is really tiring work and sometimes I just wish that my islands were just one big land mass. I could just stay on one island, THE island, and sip my pineapple juice... I would never go sailing again...

Alas, that is not the case...

So, what am I trying to say? I'm just trying to express how troublesome and uncomfortable it is to bring two islands together. (I guess this is where my analogy dies because I am only an island-hopping adventurer and not a god who can bring land masses together, but you get my drift...) When you have two groups of friends (or a group and an individual or two individuals) who don't know each other and who are separated by age, gender, ethnicity, whatever, it can often be a daunting task for the mediator to connect these two separate entities. And age, gender, and ethnicity are only the beginning as people also have different personalities, ideas, likes and dislikes, etc. Yeah, in the end, there are so many stinkin' complications...

As the go-between, I often find myself dreading these situations because I don't like sensing any sort of discomfort on my friends' parts. I don't want to put my friends in awkward situations. More than that, it's probably because I myself don't like awkward situations and will try to avoid them at all costs. So yeah, I blame myself because sometimes I'm the reason that two islands can't be brought together. But then again, there are those friends who just refuse to even give it a shot to get to know others in their indifference or disapproval. I can understand shyness, but not these other reasons. Come on, what's the harm? Make it easy on me, yeah?

On the other hand, there are those people who are just so refreshing that they can connect with strangers and acquaintances alike. You remember how North America and Asia were once connected by a land bridge? Yeah, these people are little land bridges connecting islands together. To these people, I really tip my hat...

I guess all of this is just an observation about myself and how I perceive my friends. I'm not even sure I like the idea of island-hopping... But my point is that 1) my friends are rarely friends with each other, 2) I don't like juggling around different people, and 3) I wish things were simpler. I'm done.